CoronaFest - Movies to Quarantine With

I have a theory. Screw the containment of the corona virus. Sports, entertainment, schools, and religion are shutting down because the venues are out of toilet paper. I don’t believe in the benevolent concern over public health. I think it is all about the toilet paper. I was too late to the toilet paper hoarding party so my strategy was to utilize public facilities as much as possible to conserve my own supply. Now I need a Plan B.

As the landscape of COVID-19 continues to take shape across the world, more of us are doing our part by avoiding public places and opting to self-quarantine. I’m not there yet myself, but I get it. So I am supporting in the only way I know how and that is with a list of movie recommendations to keep you entertained within the safe confines of your own home. This is not my traditional list of recommended horror movies focused on a theme. Rather, these are films that will either break you or desensitize you - at the very least I hope they entertain you.

And spoiler alert – toilet paper does not make an appearance in any of these films. Honestly, I would love to find the index hoarder and hire that person as a social influencer. How much could we change the world?!?

Contagion is top on my list because it is actually a really good film that I had never heard of until a few weeks ago. I blame that on my bias for traditional horror films and admit that I could open my own aperture a bit. This movie’s screenplay is well done and there is some actual, credible science here including a basic course in Epidemiology 101. Contagion has an an all-star cast that includes Kate Winslet, Matt Damon, Jude Law, Elliott Gould, Lawrence Fishburne, and Gwyneth Paltrow. The film is clearly a social statement that could not be any more relevant despite an obvious flaw in the science. The deployment of an effective vaccine without serious side effects for a novel virus takes months or years when it happens at all. I wouldn’t expect a vaccine for COVID-19 before your own toilet paper supply runs out. One of the harsh realisms depicted in the film is the pregnant woman waiting in line for a remedy who is rewarded with an “F-you” when asking a careless cougher to cover their mouth. We humans can be so badly behaved and we are in fine form at the moment. If you want to practice telling people to cover their mouths when they cough, sneeze, or hack, you can join me at the gym. I’m serious. Available for rent or purchase on Amazon and Vudu. If you have a Cinemax add-on you can stream this for free.

Outbreak is a close second on this list but not because it is the best movie about a contagion. Truth be told, it’s not even very good - but it is free on Netflix and it has an equally star-studded cast with Dustin Hoffman, Renee Russo, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Kevin Spacey, and Donald Sutherland. And the movie hooks you immediately with an unforgettable opening scene followed by events that pattern the Ebola outbreak of 2014. It degrades into a government cover-up with a cheesy love story and by the time you reach the preposterous ending, you are too far gone to walk away so you go with it. I admit I am looking out my window for helicopters just in case.

28 Days Later dramatizes the danger, fear, and ruthlessness that happen when a contagion can no longer be contained. But instead of killing its victims through hemorrhagic fever or respiratory failure, this virus turns its victims into flesh eating monsters. This is not a zombie movie - zombies are dead. These patients are very much alive and that is good because they can be killed, unlike zombies and vampires. And there is no testing required for this virus because the incubation period is seconds so you know almost immediately when a person is infected. There is some harsh realism in this film as well as we get a good look at how monstrous people can be when they are naturally self-serving and driven nearly mad by fear and isolation. There is a sequel to this movie that would seem promising, but it succumbed quickly to sequel syndrome, a disease for which there is no cure. 28 Days Later is free with your basic Hulu subscription, or you can rent or buy it on Amazon and Vudu.

I am Legend is the third adaptation of a book by the same name and if we have learned nothing by now, it is that the movie doesn’t always follow the book. And when it does, well, it can be kind of boring. Same here. The movie version of Neville (played by Will Smith) is a much more likable character than the angry alcoholic protagonist in the book. Smith’s Neville is benevolent in his survival while he searches for a cure to save humanity. In the end, he leaves the viewer with hope that he has passed on his immunity and the race will survive. Not so much in the book which has an apocalyptic ending where the zombie/vampire things win and become the new norm. Sort of like evolution. Available for rent or purchase on Amazon and Vudu.

So now you’re asking about the other two adaptations of Richard Matheson’s book, I Am Legend. The second adaptation was Ωmega Man circa 1971 starring Charlton Heston as Neville. I remember seeing this movie when I was very young, and I remember little more than the post-apocalyptic set and the cloaked, albino-eyed victims of the contagion. I remember it being similar to Soylent Green, but that could just be the Charlton Heston effect and dystopian hellscape common to both films. The Last Man on Earth circa 1964 and starring Vincent Price is the first adaptation of the book. I have never seen this film but if B&W classics are your jam, it is available with your basic Amazon Prime subscription.

World War Z takes us another step away from our Corona contagion when an unknown epidemic results in the zombie apocalypse.  As far as I know, COVID-19 doesn’t turn patients into zombies and there is a 12 second incubation period so again, no test required. World War Z is a really good film packed with action and some awesome special effects. Brad Pitt doesn’t suck either. What I loved most about this movie is that it mainstreamed the Tenth Man principle which is like a defense against group think. It goes something like this: If ten people are in a room, and nine agree on how to interpret and respond to a situation, the tenth man must disagree. His duty is to find the best possible argument for why the decision of the group is flawed and act accordingly. The Tenth Man principle can help us all to appreciate the contrarian in the room. And maybe help the world to survive the zombie apocalypse. You will have to rent this on Amazon or Vudu unless you have the Live TV add-on to Hulu.

The next movie takes us back to the 1970s with Michael Crichton’s adaptation of The Andromeda Strain. This drama takes place in New Mexico, the birthplace of nuclear weapons and alien conspiracy. A research doctor and his assistant attempt to isolate an alien lifeform that is brought back to earth from space without knowing that saud lifeform has already mutated and has the ability use the nuclear equipped lab as a weapon. I saw this move as a kid so I don’t remember much except I thought it was good at the time. It is a favorite of conspiracy theorists and well-produced given its G rating (remember those?) and the film technology at the time. This movie is available for rent or purchase on Amazon. 

12 Monkeys is a Sci-Fi time warp directed by Terry Gilliam of Monty Python fame. Bruce Willis stars as a prisoner of the state set to earn his freedom by traveling back in time to gather intel that could save the earth from a devastating plague that wiped out 99% of the human population in 1996. Brad Pitt, Madeline Stowe, and Cristopher Plummer support a cast of largely unknowns (to me) in this low-tech/high-tech socio-political thriller that explores mental illness, animal rights, time travel, and the risk that unchecked technological advances have on the survival of the planet. Available for rent or purchase on on Amazon or Vudu, included with any Showtime add-on.

The only movie on this list that has also made it to the Halloween moviefest is Pontypool. A radio host has a strange encounter with an underdressed woman on his way to work in poor visibility conditions. What follows is a talk-show style play-by-play that is reminiscent of Christmas Horror Story. The town is Pontypool, and the former shock jock and his assistant discover that certain words are the contagion, and the key to survival may lie in anti-contagion words. This movie has been offered by Netflix and Prime Video in the past, but it is an iTunes exclusive at this time.

I can’t recommend It Comes at Night in good conscience because I am on record with a 1 or 1½ skull rating. It was so bad in light of my expectations at the time that I can’t even remember. Not that it was a horrible film, but it was marketed as one of the best horror films like, ever – and that it was not. Expectations are everything. But if you watch this movie expecting that some unnatural force is is terrorizing humankind, and the terror may well be that which we humans inflict on each other, then you have a horror movie that is especially relevant given the state of our society today. Stream for free on Netflix.

So there you have it. Almost a dozen toilet-paper-free movies guaranteed to feed or rid you of your fear and panic. Stay safe, stay positive, and let’s all find a way to help somebody in these crazy times.